I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
