just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
