I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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