Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
