I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He felt like a one man threesome
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
