I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
