My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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