I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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