I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
