Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
