guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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