Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
