Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
