saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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