and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
