Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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