The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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