So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
