When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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