No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Randomize
