Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
