just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
