I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
