I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
