I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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