there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
