Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
