3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
