She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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