Grow some girl-balls and come out already
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Welp...herpes.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
