One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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