apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
