My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Randomize
