Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
