Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
