youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
