It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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