wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
