Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
