I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
