There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
