just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
