can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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