Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
