I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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