if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Randomize
