I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
