maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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