I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
