today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
