Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
please don't ironically join a cult
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